The 3AM Wake-Up Call: Surviving Corporate Gaslighting

3:00am

4:30am

2:00am

5:30am

Doesn't matter what time it is, the anxiety inducing memories of a past life in which corporate gaslighting ripped through me can appear at anytime. Replyaing conversations over and over, mocking me by demonstrating all the things I could have said or the way in which I could have stood up to my workplace bully. Although it's been a while, the memories still linger and the feelings are all too real as my 3am wake up this morning reminded me.

It started as most gaslighting or abusive relationships do. Love bombing, You're both really hitting it off. They laugh at your jokes, tell you how great you are. The praise washes over and warms you like hot sunshone on a well deserved holiday. You feel you are making a great team and are just so lucky that this person has taken an interest in you, that they believe in you, want to support you and see you succeed.

Then, little by little, the small drips of doubt begin to come through. It started with little misunderstandings where I'd be convinced I'd missed something, An action from a meetng, a comment made on a call, a number heard incorrectly in a budget discussion. Nothing ground breaking but enough to start sowing the seed of doubt. And just like gaslighting in a romatic relationship, that's all they needed. To see my reaction to those little drops. Do I take the bait, do I respond, do I take responsibilty, do I say sorry, submit and not fight back, As soon as that crack appeared, everything changed,

Corporate gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation within a workplace, where an individual or group subtly undermines another's perception of reality to gain power or control. It involves actions and statements that cause a person to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, ultimately eroding their self-confidence and sense of reality. This can manifest as denying events that occurred, twisting facts, or dismissing concerns as exaggerated or unfounded. 

I've been in an abusive relationship twice in my life now. Once at the hands of an ex boyfriend and once whilst working for a middle aged women. Although it won't make any sense to some, getting over being abused by a man is much easier than realising you've been abused by a women. Society tells us than men can be predators. That we should look out for them, not be too vulnerable, have an 'out' and protect ourselves. But very rarely do we talk about the ability for one women to manipulate another in that way. To turn their world upside down, rip them of all self-esteem, destroy their confidence and burn down any lasting idea that they were worthy. And they are great at it. They gain your trust quickly and break it even quicker. Beware of a wolf in scamp and dude clothing!

As time went on I was subject to a torrent of lies, psychological torment and unrelenting sarcasm all designed to make me question myself and stay quiet. The perfect symphony of secret conversations behind my back, undermining me to colleagues and stakeholders, small insults in meetings with teammates or suppliers all built to a crescendo within me.

I was broken. Utterly shattered by how I was feeling. I has stopped caring for myself. Personal hygiene become a chore. Tears were a regular occurance. I was angry. Tired. Irrational. Aggreieved. And ultimately perplexed as to why I was being victimised by another female in a position of power. Aren't we meant to be lifting each other up? Ensuring one another has a seat at the corporate table so we can demonstrate the power of women, celebrate our successes and join forces in an otherwise male controlled world. Where was the nuturing? The care? The desire to see an all female team win? She destroyed me.

'That's enough' I thought. I'd had months of doubting myself, crying to my husband, trying to be better, apologise, act better, be quiet, not think too deeply into it but those drips of doubt become boulders of depression and anxiety it was proving hard to live with. So I gathered what little strength I had left to confront her. I prepared points with examples. I structured my conversation and took accountability for any actions on my part that might have lead us to this point. I opened up about the anxiety induced days, the tears over my lunch, how depressed I was and my desire to correct my behaviour to become a better employee. Gaslighting success 101. I was taking the blame for something they had done. For how they had made me feel.

Although it was hard, I came out feeling hopefully. We exchanged apologies and spoke about how we could work together to get through it. I believe that's another pillar of gaslighting behavioour - making your victim belive you're sorry and you won't do it again. And of course you fall for it every time.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them", Maya Angelou

Although things were better for a while, my bravery soon came back to haunt me. A throwback to all those times I stoood up to my ex only for his behaviour to escalate and find new ways to tourment me. In this case it was as easy as getting rid of me. I was confronted on a HR call and told if my performance didn't improve in 6 weeks I'd be out of a job. She read out an avalanche of lies and inconsistencies, 1 at a time, lie after lie, hitting me like like a bullet eveytime, I could feel my face burning, my lip quivering and my whole body go numb and freeze until I ultimately exploded and let the torrent of tears flow. So intensely did I break that the call was paused so I could compose myself. I hung up and simply imploded with an equal sense of grief and relief. Finally I had a way out. A way out from the lies, confirmation that it wasn't me, I wasn't crazy, I hadn't made it up. It was her all along. Plotting, planting seeds, victimising me.

So I quit.

She controlled the narrative. Saving herself from being found out. Speaking to people and spinning a yarm of her own making to ensure nobody discovered the wolf in sheeps clothing. My ex would do this too. Tell me how awful his ex girlfriends were, how they manipulated him, they were unreasonable by all accounts and he was a victim. And here it was happening to me again.

There are so many things left unsaid to her. So many ways in which I could have stood up to my bully. Alerting someone to the distructive bahaviour that burnt down my insisdes a little every day. But this is it. This blog post is the end of it. The end of questioning myself. Of anxiety enduced 2:30am wake up calls. Of wishing I'd done more. She will do it again. Not to me, but to someone else. Each time she'll destroy someones sense of self and get away with it.

Sound familiar? Know it's not you. Maya Angelou once said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". Trust that gut instinct that tells you something is wrong, that you feel othered in someway. It will never be wrong to assert yourself, to stand up to a bully and demand you be treated with respect. Know that within you that the strength you need already exists, it's there, waiting to support you through to a space of freedom and empowerment.